All Along I Believed I Would Find You
by twinkachu
Summary: In which Kurt comes across the difference between a first and a second love while Dave learns to believe in fate. Part 4 of the 365 day project.


The first time Kurt fell in love, he fell in love recklessly and unselfishly. He gave everything his lover asked for and then some. He prided himself on meeting all of his lover's needs before he could even ask. It was a fearless love, the kind of love you only have once. The kind of love that only happens when you're too young to think of after.  
The after is what hurts so badly. Kurt spent days in an apathetic state. Food was tasteless, music meaningless. His father's worried glances unimportant. In the after he mourned not only his boyfriend, but the future they were supposed to share. Kurt had to forget those daydreams of their wedding, what their kids would look like, holding his lover's hand in his own when they were old. His lover's inability to stay true stole everything.  
Nights were the worst. For a long time it hurt too much to sleep in his own bed. Kurt remembered the skype dates and the phone calls. The kisses and the sweet nothings. He bought new sheets. The old ones seemed to smell like him no matter how many times Kurt washed them. Nothing seemed quite right, and it made sleeping almost impossible.  
Sometimes Kurt would sit staring at his phone for what felt like hours, simply expecting some kind of contact. A call, an email, a tweet would have sufficed. To honestly believe he would never talk to him again seemed crazy, a bad dream. Kurt had promised to be with him forever. It was funny how forever meant a year and some change.

Dave's first real date was an old guy from his college's GSA. He had taken roughly five hours to freak out and decide what to wear but only about thirty minutes for the date itself. It wasn't quite what he had planned, but Dave was content. The point wasn't to fall in love, just to prove that he could do it, he could go on a date with another guy and not have anything bad happen. It was the little victories that put a spring in his step. These men found him attractive, funny, nice even. The days where he was known as Karofsky the bully were fading fast. The memories never left him, but now Dave tried to surpass them. He could be a better man. He had to believe that, or nothing he did would matter at all.  
The biggest regret Dave had was also the stupidest. He regretted not keeping in touch with someone who had been a friend to him when he had not deserved such things. In some ways Dave supposed that friend had saved him. The temptation to try to get back in touch was overwhelming some days. But Dave knew better. No matter how much he claimed he wanted to talk to him just to thank him, Dave knew that there would be something else. You never forget your first glimpse at a better life.  
While gathering a lot of friends and even more self respect, Dave could never completely relax. There was something more waiting for him, he didn't know how he did. But he knew deep down in his core that he couldn't promise his heart to anyone. It already belonged to someone else. Dave vowed to never put his life on hold for anything, but sometimes he had to wonder if he was missing out. After so long hiding, Dave was unwilling to lose a precious moment.

On a morning just like any other, Kurt went to his favorite coffee shop to get his caffeine fix and idly draw designs in his sketchbook. For some reason he found every other place too limiting for this. No, he needed to people watch to get it down. He liked imagining the people passing by in his designs, imagining how the fabric would move against their skin. Classic designs for real people, that was what he was becoming known for. Kurt couldn't say that he minded.  
This morning his eyes were focused on small brunette nibbling on a chocolate chip scone. Kurt began quickly drawing, pausing and making small changes to the design every few moments. A content smile crossed his face as he sipped his coffee. This was what made him happy. New York. Fashion. This was a future Kurt could believe in.

Playing hooky was not something Dave typically did. He was raised to believe that a man was always punctual and never missed their engagements. But sometimes Dave just wanted to be alone. He called them his restart days. They were days that Dave would go to a different part of the city and simply be away from everyone he met. Some days would be spent at museums or movie theaters. Others would be spent in cafes with a book or three. By the end Dave would feel recharged and ready to take on his life for another few months.  
On this restart day Dave selected a coffee shop he'd been hearing good things about for a long time. He ordered a coffee without incident and began scanning the space for the right seat when he spotted a figure that he had known a long time ago, in another lifetime. For a second Dave was glued to the spot in indecision. Then, with the faintest nod and a pounding heart, he began slowly making his way closer.

"Kurt Hummel?" The voice was hesitant and quiet, but it startled Kurt nonetheless. He found himself looking up at face he hadn't seen since moving to New York four years ago. Unlike the other surprise encounters that he'd experienced, Kurt found himself pleased about this one. Dave didn't look terribly different (though Kurt noted that he had finally figured out how to dress himself, if only just barely), but something had changed. To Kurt he looked happier, less angry. Less broken. "David! I never thought I'd see you again." Dave grinned and shrugged. "Small city after all, I guess. Hey, is it okay if I sit here?" Kurt grabbed his briefcase from the chair beside him and invited Dave to sit. "Of course. I'd love it if you did. But you have to tell me what you've been up to."  
Dave carefully took a seat and thought about where to begin. He wasn't about to say anything, but his gut told him that he'd have all the time in the world to fill Kurt in. And he couldn't wait to start.

The second time Kurt fell in love, he fell slowly. He was a bit more selfish and asked for his own needs to be met as well as his Dave's. Kurt allowed himself to lay his soul bare, to tell his secrets and his stories without judgement. It was a mature love, the kind of love you don't even know you're waiting for until you've gotten it. The kind of love that you can have after you've learned your lessons.  
Kurt pictures a future with Dave. He likes to plan their wedding between fantasies of his fashion empire. He knows he wants a child with Dave's eyes but his own iron will. Growing older with Dave sounds charming (despite Dave's ongoing joke that Kurt will bald like his father). But most importantly in Kurt's mind, he knows that they're two separate people. A life with Dave is good, but losing him will not destroy the world he already has.

Late at night Dave often watches Kurt sleep. He marvels at his perfect skin, the beautiful face, the way he manages to jealously hoard every inch of the blanket. He's filled with gratitude for getting not just a second chance, but dozens. This wonderful man, riddled with flaws and strange habits loves him just as deeply as Dave loves him. He doesn't think he could imagine anything better.  
The regrets that haunted him as a teenager and young adult have faded. He believes strongly in fate and the hand it had in their relationship. Dave no longer believes in something more waiting for him. The best thing he's ever going to get has come and each night he vows to do just a little bit more to keep him happy.

Years from now they'll tell their nieces and nephews of how they fell in love, but that is not the story. The story is both much more simple and much harder to grasp: The difference between a first love and a mature one, the importance of loving yourself before trying to love others.  
And, perhaps, that sometimes you can be meant for someone without belonging together right away.


End file.
